Excuse me, please, sir.
Does this bus goes to the Lincoln Center?
Lincoln Center?
Oui. Yes.
First of all, you're on the wrong bus.
Oh, it's okay. Don't worry.
All you have to do is go to 57th Street,
change busses and get on the Number 30 bus.
Don't worry. I'll let you know when it's time.
Then you go up there and you get a free transfer from the driver.
Merci. Thank you.
No problem. It's pretty tough getting around here at first.
Ivanoff!
Uh, Ka?
Times Square.
Uh, Times Square.
Greenwich Village.
- Uh, Ka? - Rockefeller Center.
- Ka? - Rockefeller Center.
Rockefeller Center.
Okay, okay, okay.
Let's practice our English.
- Okay. - Okay.
Let us practice.
You start.
Hello, "mifter."
- Mister. - Mister.
Hello, mister, may I buy lamb chop?
Sure thing, mister.
Do you read Ernest Hemingway?
Every fucking day.
Kiss me, beautiful.
Beautiful? Beautiful.
I love you.
Vladimir.
Yes, my dear clown?
When we come to New York, I'm going to defect.
I had to tell you that.
Hmm.
I want a Mercedes-Benz. I want to piss in the wind.
I want to see Rio de Janeiro!
I want to see London! I want to see Paris!
Taxi, take me out of here!
Then my ass is already frozen.
Please, be careful, my friend.
I hate my life.
Vladimir.
Jazz.
"Coleman Hawkins."
Hawkins?
The hawk.
Duke Ellington.
Duke! Da!
May I kiss your lamb chops, beautiful?
Okay, mister.
Good-bye!
Vladimir, one day I'll perform on Broadway,
and it will be a big sign...
"Anatoly Cherkasov and Barbra Streisand."
Can you please speak English? You promised. I must practice.
Okay. Okay, mister, okay.
Thank you very much.
This, this! My father...
My father will love this!
This, look, must be smooth like velvet.
Smell it! Smell it!
Stop thinking about your ass.
Think about your soul for a second.
Don't. Don't play games with me, okay, pal.
Do you know why I am lucky
to share room with you?
Because they want me
to spy on you.
I shit on them!
Maybe this decadence attempt to lure us.
Look, look.
Then they have succeeded.
What a country, huh?
Yes, what a country.
- I really do want to go to Leningrad. - Okay.
Tell me, do you like Barbra Streisand?
- Yeah, she's wonderful. - Yeah?
Yeah.
Waiter, I'll have a black Russian, please.
- Is something the matter? - No. I am happy here be.
Oh! Your English is excellent.
So is your.
- "...s." - "...s."
Veronica Cohen.
I teach Marxism at Columbia University.
Vladimir Ivanoff.
I am musician with circus.
Yes, I know.
- Your black Russian. - Thank you very much.
You don't look like Marxist.
I'm not. I'm a humanist.
What's a Marxist look like?
Usually has beard, mustache.
- The women too? - In Russia especially women.
Excuse me. I happy to talk to you, but I must now to make toilet.
- Oh! - Thank you.
- Dosvidonio. - Dosvidonio.
Yes.
What about your president? Huh?
He was an actor before, just like us, huh?
- That's true. - What about credibility with him?
Well, uh...
I know what I'll do.
Tomorrow, during the opening parade,
on my bicycle routine, I'll do it.
- I will defect. - Good.
They grab you, throw you right to bear.
No. Tomorrow is the day.
Think of your family, huh?
Tomorrow is...
Ladies and gentlemen, good day!
And here is circus performers.
I hope it ain't as bad as when we had them Chinese acrobats.
Hell, them Italians come in here one time,
stole half the store.
They weren't Italians, they were Romanians.
I thought they said they was from Rome.
Hey, Lucia!
You see the game?
Yeah.
Magic Johnson was the best guard I ever saw.
What a pair of hands. Ciao.
"Buona giorna," Lucia, darling.
- What a piece of lasagna. - Mm-mmm.
My God!
What decadence!
E-E-Ex...
Excuse me.
You must be Russian.
Yes. I am with the circus.
Yeah, I know.
We heard that you guys were coming today.
Let me tell you something.
I wish for peace among all nations.
I am looking for blue jeans.
We had a nuclear freeze demonstration, and I marched.
"Make love, not war," we say.
Make love.
For sure.
I look for blue jeans.
Blue jeans, right?
Designer jeans?
Uh, Jordache...
- Calvin Klein? - Calvin Klein.
Calvin Klein.
Okay. Go straight back to men's wear.
Like where that pole is.
I am Russian, not Pole.
Yeah, I know.
Well, anyway, you go straight, okay?
Then you take a left.
You can't miss the denim den.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I hope you have a nice stay in New York.
I go back to Moscow today.
Oh, well, good-bye.
Good-bye.
Ciao.
I will do it here.
Everyone watches here.
I don't give a shit.
I swear, I'll do it.
Do it!
Go, do!
Leave me alone! Go do it!
Three items to a dressing room.
Gentlemen, button your flies!
What are you doing? No women in the dressing room!
The women don't belong in the dressing rooms.
I'm sorry, I can't help you.
They don't stay in the dressing rooms.
They can't be here. What do you mean?
Me... I don't understand you.
Look, you're in America. Speak English!
Are you feeling well, Anatoly?
You are pale and sweaty.
It's nothing. Just slight cold.
You know, different climate.
Soon you will be back in Moscow,
where the air is always clear.
- I can't do it. - Good.
I am a bird without wings.
All right.
I'm sorry, my friend.
Hey.
What are you guys doing?
Only one customer to a cubicle. This ain't Russia, you know.
Excuse me, sir.
Fags everywhere.
Your wife will love Forbidden Fruit.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Hi. - Hi.
I would like to see some forbidden fruit.
Great. I'll see you tonight.
Great, yeah. Talk to you later.
Fabulous choice, sir.
Are you all right, sir? Excuse me, sir.
Are you all right?
Yes.
I... suddenly, I feel dizzy.
Let's get you some H2O.
I got a dizzy Russian on my hands.
Great. Take him home for supper.
Is there a large gay community in Russia?
What do I know? I'm not Russian.
Oh, hi!
Hey.
The men's room is downstairs to the left as you get off the escalator.
This ain't no health club.
I defect.
Say what?
Don't be grabbing on the uniform!
I have to supply them myself, man.
I defected.
You're not going to do that here. I told you where the men's room was!
I better take him.
I am Russian.
I defect.
You're about to get maced.
Oh, my God! Don't you get it? He's defecting!
Code Two. There's a defection going on.
Style boutique. Officer 14 on scene. Call the damn police.
Aahh!
You son of a bitch!
Bye. Thank you.
Shh.
Please. Help me.
Are you the one defecting?
Yes. I in danger.
KGB. Please.
I think it's safe.
Miss, I know the Russian is behind the counter.
Give him my card. My name is Orlando Ramirez.
I'm a lawyer. I specialize in immigration.
You've got a lawyer.
Thank you.
Are you...
enjoying yourself?
- What? - I mean...
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Come on. Get up. Get up.
Stay here. Stay right here.
This is Officer 14.
I have a defector between Estée Lauder and Pierre Cardin.
Please. You must do help me. I want political asylum.
I'm security, not a policeman.
They'll send me to mental hospital.
- Who are these dudes? - KGB. They'll kill me!
- All right, hold it. - We're Soviet officials.
Keep your hands off the man!
Don't threaten me!
I got mace, I got handcuffs, and if that don't dissuade you,
I got a 6-inch razor that will end this entire discussion.
You stay put till the proper authorities get here!
Keep my comrade from making a mistake.
I told you to back off!
Now, you're in my jurisdiction
which runs from style boutique through denim den to personal fragrances.
Keep your hands off the man!
What's going on here, Mr. Simpson?
- I don't know. - If you don't, who knows?
I think it's some Russian running around here.
Talking about defection.
We don't like that kind of thing here at Bloomingdale's.
- I know. - It's up to you to keep order.
- Yes, ma'am. - Okay.
In the name of the Soviet Union, I protest!
I believe this citizen has been drugged.
- I am not drugged. - Drugged!
He's being held against his will.
Nobody's been smoking no shit!
You back off! I've had it with you today!
I'm Kaity Tong at Bloomingdale's,
where a dramatic Soviet-American relations is being played out.
Things are quite chaotic now as you can see.
This is what we know so far.
A member of the Russian circus troupe that has been performing in New York,
has decided to defect in of all places, Bloomie's.
I defect.
Yeah!
This is New York City. The man can do whatever he wants.
Gentlemen, how do you plan to handle this?
- Please excuse me. - Later.
I'm Agent Ross with the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Frank Williams.
Mr. Ivanoff, we'd like to speak to you.
Vladimir Ivanoff is a defector?
KGB. Whatever that is.
Mr. Ivanoff...
Over to your left.
- Take a seat. - Excuse us.
What is it exactly that you protest?
This man cannot defect!
It seems he's already defected.
Mr. Ivanoff, can you tell us why you're defecting?
Freedom.
Political freedom or artistic?
Freedom.
Now, for now, consider yourself an applicant
for political asylum in the United States.
That's a matter for immigration.
Hold it, fellow.
You can still come home.
I defect.
Let us pass.
Do you have any family or relatives in United States? Any friends?
No.
Sir? It's 147.50 for the robe
and 30 for the windbreaker.
Bitch!
Do you know anyone here?
Oh, only you.
And this good black man and shopping girl.
Where is he gonna stay?
Man can stay with me.
I can stay your home?
I'm security officer Witherspoon.
I understand how the brother feels.
I'm a refugee myself from Alabama.
Thank you.
Mr. Ivanoff.
- Hold it! - Wait a minute!
Tolya!
What are you saying, brother?
I say...
I say good-bye to my saxophone.
Say what?
Mr. Ivanoff, can we please ask you a few questions.
Did I hear you you say good-bye to your saxophone?
I-I, uh...
Yeah, he left his saxophone on the bus. I think that's what he was saying.
I saw you were waving to your friend.
You're very sad.
No, I am happy.
Nice to be here.
- He's going to stay here. - Thank you.
Thank you.
This is Kaity Tong.
I think he knows you're a foreigner. He's jiving on you.
You gotta know how to do is to look mean.
You understand? Mean.
Is that your mean look?
Look crazy.
Like this.
Crazy.
Crazy motherfucker.
Many different people here, but not many are white people.
You noticed, huh?
This is known as a ghetto... with a capital "G."
I like it.
It's nice. And the music, it's so free.
- It is. - Must be pretty bad in Russia.
It's not human, but many beautiful people.
Sounds like Alabama.
I read about slavery.
At least the work was steady.
Sounds like Russia.
I make joke.
That's okay. I feel to make joke in other language is good.
Okay. Okay.
A member of the Russian circus troupe
that has been performing in New York,
has decided to defect in, of all places, Bloomie's.
Lionel, get in here. You're on TV, sweetheart.
Come on, honey.
It's all lies.
Hush, Grandpa.
Mm!
Whoa! You look good, Vladimir. You're running out the store.
We can watch it again on 11:00 news. Mama, this is Vladimir.
Poor little man.
My stepfather, Fletcher. My buckethead sister, Lee Ann.
This is my grandfather. Watch out for his ass.
I ain't never met a Russian before. They all white?
- Grandpa. - You defected.
Yes. You're kind to share home with me.
Hope you didn't come to find a job. I haven't had a job in eight years.
Welcome to the USA.
Honey, you don't look so well.
Let's sit him down. He don't look well.
Sit down, Vladimir.
Just lay back there.
Lionel, get his feet up.
Sit down right here.
Lionel. Lionel. Man in store give me card.
"Orlando Ramirez."
Sounds like a Cuban ambulance chaser.
Get his fucking feet off my couch!
Hush, Grandpa!
Good night, my American family.
Thank you.
I want to help you with everything.
Everything, always.
It's very important you to know that you have a friend in Orlando Ramirez.
Thank you.
You don't have to thank me. You have to pay me.
That's the way capitalism works.
One hand helps the other.
I have $120 and one pair of blue jeans.
My fee for helping you with all the immigration is cut and dry.
- May I call you Vladimir? - Of course.
- Orlando. - Orlando.
That's a musical name.
My father was called Orlando.
He rolled the finest cigars in Havana.
Orlando el rey, they called him.
Orlando the king.
Then Castro came along and my father was on his ass.
Castro is a great man.
Castro is a Cuban bullshit artist
who has been taken in by Russian bullshit artists.
I'm not political.
We had to get our asses out of Cuba.
You make defect?
Oh, no.
We took a nice life raft to Miami Beach, Florida.
The only way to fly, let me tell you.
It was almost... 20 years ago.
I told you about eggs and onions.
I want to go shopping later.
- Get something for the kids. - We don't have kids.
Jack's kids!
Some scuba gear for the kids.
Some vacation. They said this place was sunny.
You call this sun? This isn't sun.
You get better sun on our roof. I want sun.
We're not wasting 10 bucks on that lotion.
Dave, there's the boy.
Ask for rum and cokes and some beach towels.
Chico!
Give me two Cuba Libras and a couple of beach towels.
Here, come on. Make it snappy.
Talking to them is like talking to a wall.
Well, here I am. It hasn't been easy.
But you can do anything in this country.
Hey! Where are you going?
You passed Chambers Street twice already.
I'm very sorry, sir.
I think Chamber Street here, but it's over there.
Drive a cab in Korea if you don't know one street from the other.
Mr. Ivanoff, this is only stage one.
You will be interviewed again. We'll determine your status.
Until then, you'll need a work permit. Make sure the man understands.
- Of course. - I understand. When next interview?
In one month, we'll give you an advisory opinion whether asylum is granted.
Don't worry, you'll get it.
In one year, you can petition for citizenship.
I must wait for one year?
You know how many people want to come here?
Vietnamese, Koreans,
Salvadoreans, those Iranians,
Mexicans, Bolivians.
- Your Greeks, your Turkish... - Have mercy. So many people...
I have mercy. But I can't carry the work home.
I'm just like a TV set...
Turn me on 8:00 and off 4:00.
Okay, I have been waiting for two hours.
Who's your boss?
His name is Ronald Reagan! Sit the fuck down!
I didn't defect for this!
Orlando, out.
Mr. Baktar, your impatience is wearing me down!
I've been here two days to see immigration officer.
Salute.
You guys going to dance?
No, I-I rest now, Lionel.
He is good boy, Lionel.
Oh, so-so.
He's nice, but don't call him "boy."
Why not?
Black men don't like being called "boy."
- They take it as an insult. - Okay.
That was a brave thing yesterday.
Oh, thank you.
For the first time, I act from here, not from here.
You are good girl?
Yes, good girl. You a good boy?
I would like to know you.
I'm Italian. From Italy, from Abruzzi.
It's a village called Casoli.
Everybody I meet from somewhere else.
Is America.
- Would you like to dance? - Okay.
Okay. Come on.
Why you came America?
When my father died six years ago,
he left seven children.
We were so poor.
There wasn't much opportunity for a girl.
Or for a boy, for that matter.
So, I guess I was the lucky one.
'Cause my uncle... I have an uncle, Sal, who lives here.
He has a funeral parlor.
So he sponsored me.
You speak very well.
No. In a few months, I'm going to become a citizen.
Then watch me take off.
Take off?
No. I mean I want to work in media.
In TV. Television?
- Oh. - I love sportscasting.
Or newscasting, you know?
Um, remember yesterday, this girl...
uh, Kaity Tong?
At Bloomingdale's. You know, the girl?
Oh.
I think she's great. She's fantastic.
I am be followed.
Where?
That man.
That's the FBI. They watch you for a few weeks.
Make sure you're not a spy.
Amigo. Also to keep KGB from kidnapping you.
For your own protection. Relax, amigo.
Thank you.
Is that a new dance from Russia?
Excuse me for my rudeness.
Thank you, sir. Thank you for protection.
You're welcome. That's what we're here for.
- Okay. - Have a good time.
All this week we've been working on the stomach.
Here's part three. Time to work on the stomach again.
We'll begin with abdominal warm-ups.
Remember, you inhale and keep it firm.
The first we do is lower back drops.
Good morning. How you doing?
Good. I feel fine.
I wish to be useful.
How may I to help?
You can do the shopping.
I have an appointment at the human resources administration.
The unemployment office.
I think Lucia's got something going for you.
She got an ass on her!
I liked last night musicians.
Excellent saxophones.
Ever hear of "The Bird"?
The great Charlie Parker?
He was a wailin' ass. That boy could blow.
Excuse me, Grandpa.
Why you call Charlie Parker "boy"?
What do you want me to call him? Rhinoceros?
How's the coffee coming?
We're out of coffee.
We'd have some if you got off your butt once a week.
Don't talk to me like that. I work when I find something.
You could've delivered those telephone books.
Bullshit! Deliver books? I got a college education.
You got pride and a college education. You told us a million times.
Breakfast with the Witherspoons. Ding-dong!
Just like your mother. Just like your mother.
You just leave Mama out. She's more of a man than you'll ever be.
I go shopping.
I must to pay, please.
Coffee?
Aisle Two.
Coffee line, please.
Aisle Two. No line.
Taster's Choice.
Decaffeinated.
Maxwell House.
El Pico.
Chock Full O'Nuts.
Espresso, cappuccino, Café Français.
Sanka. Folgers.
Café Caribe. Coffee.
Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!
Coffee! Coffee!
Coffee!
Mr. Ivanoff, don't worry.
You're merely suffering some hyperventilation.
Don't be alarmed. You are among friends.
You should have seen yours truly when I first came from Bombay.
I was very, very nervous.
Look at these girls.
They know too.
I am feeling better.
- You see, you're a celebrity. - Is he all right?
- What do you want? - I'm his lawyer, Orlando Ramirez.
- It's all right. - Everybody was worried about you.
My wife thought you've been kidnapped by the KGB.
I'm sorry.
I have wonderful news for you.
I've been making calls to find you a job.
I take it.
- Nothing fancy. - I take it.
Lev, when you speak English, does your mouth hurt?
My mouth is fine. My brain would hurt.
When I speak English, my lips ache.
I wish they'd stop playing this music.
I wish only to play music.
- You'll get your chance. - So will you.
You know how difficult it is to get a job
in celestial mechanics and astrophysics?
Boy, you speak English well.
In a couple of minutes, we'll take a break.
Maybe we pick up cheeseburger, fries and a kaka cola.
Okay. All right.
Dearest parents, dear Sasha and beloved Grandfather,
I don't know if you will ever receive this letter,
but I will write to you every week.
I am sorry to cause you pain, but I acted out of real need.
America is strange and wonderful.
I live with a nice black family.
My Cuban lawyer helped me also to find sales job.
Okay. Mister. Bueno buy.
Two for a dollar. Okay, mister.
I am learning to read and write English in night school.
Also, I have nice Italian girl who likes American sports.
Johnson at bat for the Blue Jays.
Sets. Here's the pitch!
Ground ball to third!
Nettles scoops it up! Throws to Randolph! Randolph to first...
Double play. Wow! God! What a play!
I don't believe it! Incredible!
Why does he need that Madison Avenue preppy junk?
Now here's something that will make your feet sing!
- They're very popular. - What are you talking...
Madison Avenue is where the money's made.
Listen, listen. People judge from your shoes.
What do you know? You're a foreigner.
Lionel, I might remind you
that while your ancestors were beating drums in Africa
and chasing animals,
my people were giving the world Michelangelo...
who invented style.
You ever been to Little Italy?
All I see is plastic fruit and fat guys in tiny hats.
Here we go.
I like those, please.
Those! Keep looking, keep looking.
I take those.
Yesterday I bought my first pair ofAmerican shoes.
They were made in Italy.
Mustard? You got it.
Today I opened my own restaurant,
and I'm starting to make big bucks.
I miss you very much.
Love, Volya.
The best, huh?
Excuse me.
FBI?
FBI? No.
KGB?
No.
Oh...
G-A-Y.
Gay?
Oh! No.
Oh, no, I'm...
Sorry. You have a nice face, and I thought we had a moment back there.
I hope it didn't upset you.
No. It's okay, mister. Thank you.
Good luck.
Dear Tolya, I have a new saxophone.
But I still don't have work as a musician.
I have many other jobs, though.
Two Big Macs, one Quarter Pounder with cheese,
six pieces chicken McNuggets,
two boxes Ronald McDonald cookies,
one order McFries, two chocolate McShakes.
Is that to go?
No. I'll eat it here.
Come back McSoon.
I am now driving a taxi part-time.
Sunday I got a date with Lucia.
I knew there was something going on between you and her.
Unfortunately, nothing. I'm still virgin in New York City.
There's no crime in sex. You're too shy.
- She digs you, man. - You think so?
You're probably the only man in New York who doesn't have herpes.
I have met some members of Russian community.
Some of them are painters, sculptors, writers, photographers.
And they have all made adjustments to life in America.
To tell you the truth, dear Tolya,
they still despair, and so do I.
And dear friend,
I wish you joy for all your days.
Kiss the bears and the ponies.
And perhaps someday I will see you again. Volya.
I like it.
It's, uh... very nice.
Not much furniture. What else do you need?
You bought the blender we had on sale.
A wonderful blender.
- What do you make? - Nothing.
I don't blend anything.
You miss Russia, don't you?
Sure. Sometime.
You want some vodka?
- Yeah, I'd love some. - Okay. Okay.
You like music?
Oh! I love also music.
Okay.
That's a nice tape deck.
I buy from friend of Lionel.
From back of truck. A ghetto blaster.
Good thing you found Lionel in your life.
This tape I bring from Russia.
It is great Wild Bill Hawthorn, black saxophonist.
I tape from radio free Europe.
Is nice, the music.
Thank you.
Dosvidonio.
Salute.
You like to dance?
Uh... why not?
Are you okay?
Yeah.
You miss Italy?
No. I don't miss Italy at all.
I miss my family... my brothers, my sisters.
But when I make it very big, I'm going to bring them all here.
They're going to love it. Now, my mother...
she's a nice lady,
but she's into black dress for life.
So, she'd better stay there.
I go back to Brooklyn
and the stores, the Russian stores,
the smells remind me of home, and I-I can't go back.
At least you can go back.
I don't want to go back.
I wanna stay here. I'm very good here.
You smell very good.
Yeah? Nah. It's Charlie.
- No. - Yes.
It's not perfume. It's you.
I really like you.
Likewise.
But I am...
I'm...
- You have boyfriend? - I don't have a boyfriend.
I'm a free woman.
I don't like to get involved.
Me too.
What I mean is that...
if I stay here with you tonight,
I don't want you to think anything special about it.
You know, to exaggerate what it is.
Do you understand?
Yes. I assure you, as former citizen
of Soviet Socialist Republic,
I make no moral thought about sex.
I respect your new life.
Thanks.
But I do desire you in a big way.
Likewise.
I take FDR Drive to beat traffic.
Whatever you say. This is my first trip to NYC.
You relax. There's Perrier in side bar.
TV is working. This time of day General Hospital is on.
What time is it, by the way?
12:00 and five minutes.
Had my damn watch stole out at the airport.
Really? That's a bitch.
Went in the washroom, took my Roley off,
set it on the basin, stepped back to shake off the dew off my lily,
turned around and she was gone like that.
Sir, check this out.
- What's that? - It's digital. It's Japanese.
A touch gives your heartbeat and body temperature.
What part of Texas you from, son?
East Village, sir. Seventh Street.
You sound further way than that.
I also have fountain pen with alarm clock. Check this out.
If you got your hand on the bucket, you're headed towards the well.
I also sell vitamins. True nature.
A six-pack of health. Great for sex life.
Give you the dick of death.
I'd like to trade me some flat for some round,
pluck one of them long-stemmed American beauties,
a little shaky pudding, but get me to my hotel on time, boy.
Just relax, sir. I give you great limo.
Oh, it's raining again.
I liked E. T. better.
I think it was decadent.
It was fun. It was sexy.
It was childish. Had no point of view. No moral content.
On a Lucia Lombardo scale of 1 to 10, I give it a 7.
Now you're reviewing film for the masses?
No, this is fantasy.
You want fantasy, go to my place.
I can't. I have to study. I have a class tomorrow.
All she does is go to class.
- Don't get possessive, okay? - Okay.
I'm going back in to see the movie.
I understand your liberation. What are you going to do with all these classes?
I can do anything. Is America.
Let me know if you find something for me, honey.
You make a mountain out of moth balls.
All I said come to my place.
Because you want sex.
Sex is good for you.
I'll see you sex fiends later.
- Okay, bye. - See you.
Arrivederci.
Gosh.
Hey, Lucy.
No. Just let go.
- God. - I'm sorry.
You're not my boss.
You're right.
This can only work if we are equal, okay?
I agree.
If all Russians could eat moo shu pork, they would not be afraid of the Chinese.
Are all Russians as funny as you?
No.
You have beautiful lamb chops. Has anyone told you that?
Yes.
You happy all the time, huh?
You know, sometimes, in the middle of the night,
I sit up straight and wonder where I am.
In Russia, you do that all day long.
You want to help me study? Okay. Okay.
What is date of Declaration of Independence?
July 4, 1-7-7-6.
Right.
What did the Declaration of Independence say?
That all men are created equal,
and they are given certain rights
"inalineable."
- Inalienable. - Inalienable.
Inalienable.
Life... liberty... and the pursuit of happiness.
Yes.
Stop it! Help me study.
Okay. All right.
Just be cool.
What is the Bill of Rights?
The Bill of Rights...
is the first ten amendments of the Constitution.
- Freedom of religion. - Mm-hmm.
Of speech.
Freedom of, uh...
peaceful assembly.
Freedom of...
the press.
Freedom of holding meetings.
Freedom of...
sex.
The right to arm bears.
Unreasonable... search.
Vlad, this is Lucia's Uncle Sal.
Lucia told me about you.
Likewise.
This is my mama and my wife.
How do you do, Mother?
That's my wife.
This is my mama.
All rise for the honorable Judge Louise R. Reynolds.
You may sit.
Ladies and gentlemen, good morning.
Today you'll become citizens of the United States of America.
No longer are you an Englishman, Italian, Pole, or whatever.
Neither will you be a hyphenated American.
From this day, you are no longer a subject of a government,
but an integral part of the government.
A free man.
May you find in this nation
the fulfillment of your dreams
of peace and security.
And may America never find you wanting
in your new proud role
of citizen of the United States.
Will the petitioners please rise?
Now let us take the oath of allegiance.
"I hereby declare an oath..."
"That I absolutely and entirely renounce..."
"All allegiance and fidelity..."
"To any foreign prince or potentate."
"That I will support and defend the constitution and laws..."
"Of the United States of America..."
"Against all enemies."
"I take this obligation freely..."
"Without any mental reservation..."
"Or purpose of evasion..."
"So help me God."
Congratulations, citizens.
Up to bat... huh!
A wonderful day, I think.
Yeah.
You have period today?
No. Why?
You're so serious.
It was an emotional day.
I'm just tired.
Excuse me.
Goddamn it!
What? What?
I'm sorry. I can't help myself.
- Nightcap? - No.
Okay.
What's the matter?
You no like a man being crazy for your popki?
Not with Uncle Sal around.
Uncle Sal is sleeping.
Why doesn't he like Russians?
He thinks you're a Communist.
You know what I think?
We should move in together.
You should live with me.
Save money on rent, utilities.
You don't have to take "A" train to make love with me.
What do you think?
I don't feel like talking now.
Don't talk. Just tell me what you think.
Haven't you ever felt like not talking?
In Russia that's permanent way of life.
Just... Give me some vodka.
Here.
You don't care for me?
- That's the problem. - Problem? Why?
I think I care too much.
Come here. You know how much I love you?
Don't! It makes it worse.
- Just leave me. - What? What?
I have worked, okay?
I have worked and struggled to make myself an American.
- I saw it today. - An American!
But I want to be in love with someone who fits with my...
Okay, okay.
Now I understand. Right.
I'm not Robert Redford. Okay.
No. I, I...
No, no, what?
Listen. I didn't mean it that way.
What the hell do you mean?
Can't you understand?
- It's too fast. I'm not ready for this. - For what?
I'm not ready for full-time love.
That's fine.
That's fine. I don't love you.
I don't want... What do you mean? Yes, you do love me!
You are big American! Congratulations, citizen!
There goes the neighborhood.
Let me tell you, she's not the only piece of pasta on the menu.
Make a move for something else.
It's difficult, huh?
Hello, sweet thing.
Don't turn up your nose, it blocks the light.
Better I don't play.
We already here. Let's go.
Okay.
Man, it's time to make a move.
Hello, sweet thing.
Don't turn up your light to me, it blocks the nose.
Vodka, double.
I can't do this, man. That's Wild Bill Hawthorn.
Got a surprise for you tonight.
I found out from a friend that we have a musician, a Russian.
His name is Vladimir Ivanoff.
Nice round for Ivanoff.
Good luck to you.
Welcome aboard.
Thank you, sir.
You know, I played over in the Soviet Union in 1964.
Oh, yeah, I know.
Do you know the song or the blues to "Yolanda"?
Yes, sir.
Why don't you sit in with us on it?
I got smoked, man.
What did you expect from the man?
What are you doing, man?
Better to know who you are, that way you know your limits.
You know who the hell you are.
All he said was practice and work on it.
No, man, I'm shit.
Oh, you full of shit, man.
Full of shit.
- By the way, you are white. - Thank you, man.
You don't pick up soul in a two or three months.
Oh, God.
Even if you are Russian.
Let me tell you something else.
Self-pity ain't gonna get you nowhere.
The saddest thing in the world is life.
You telling me?
It gets so bad sometimes I don't think I'll make it.
I ever tell you I had a kid?
Got involved with this girl.
She got pregnant, went back to Alabama.
Thomas Alva Witherspoon, five years old.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Thinking of him makes me cry.
Why don't you cry?
It's good for you.
I don't have to cry. I don't need to cry.
Lionel, when I was in Russia,
I did not love my life, but I loved my misery.
You know why?
Because it was my misery.
I could hold it.
I could caress it.
I loved my misery.
You know,
I have whole family I will never see again.
Hey. Hey.
You see, now you see.
You know it. There it is.
Now you know that the saddest thing in the world is life.
Yeah, man. Now you see.
Yeah!
Thank you for a wonderful night.
Boy, I feel great.
Hey, take care, okay?
I love you.
If that was wonderful, what happens when he hits deep depression?
Want to smell mine? You like it?
- Yeah, I do like it. - Yes.
How long did you say you've been going out with her?
- A little bit. - Just a little bit and you're buying that?
If she doesn't like it, you can bring it back.
But don't lose the sales slip.
- Okay, thank you. - Bye. You're welcome.
Have a nice day.
What are you doing?
You must to help me.
What do you want?
I'm looking for blue jeans.
Now, listen...
I love you.
I don't want to argue with you, Vladimir.
You love me too.
Hey! Defections are in the blue jeans department.
- Lionel, what's happening? - Hi, Lucy.
Hi, Lionel.
- How are you? - I got some news.
- I'm turning in my badge. - Why?
I was due a raise, it didn't come.
What you going to do now?
I'm going to Alabama to see the kid.
It's good for you, but sad for us.
I'm gonna miss you.
You two come see me, okay?
We give you call, won't we?
- I want toilet water. - Yes, ma'am.
- Tonight... - Would you let...
- No. I don't want to go. - For Lionel.
Why not? Why don't you want to go?
I don't want to argue anymore.
I want toilet water.
Lucy.
I want toilet water.
If I go, I don't ever come back.
You hear me now?
I hear you now.
- I want toilet water. - Good-bye.
Good-bye.
- Ah, yes. - I want toilet water.
For you.
Oh, man!
Thank you, Lionel. Thank you for everything.
You've been greatest friend to me.
I'm just a citizen.
Dosvidonio.
Hey, you keep your pecker in your pocket.
Glad you came up here, Vladimir.
Just want to check in.
How you feeling?
Good and bad.
The feets have been swelling up real bad, so I got to keep them up.
Hey, you look good.
Shit, man. Don't get old if you can help it.
In Russia, we honor old people. We take care of them.
I think I'll move out there.
Hello, sweet thing.
Don't turn up your nose, it blocks out the light.
You hear from Lionel?
Yeah, boy sent a card.
Says he's okay.
Did he find work?
I don't know.
But man do need to work to feel good.
Next week we get tickets, we go to the ball game.
Uh, I'd love to,
if my feets are better.
They be better. Take care.
So long, Vladimir.
See you.
Who is it?
Vladimir Ivanoff?
Who are you?
Who the hell are you? KGB? What?
A letter?
Give it to me.
Come in.
Where did you get this?
Sasha?
My grandfather died.
He was a comedian.
New York.
Good-bye.
Shut up down there, will ya, Jack?
It's not a nightclub, asshole.
You looking for trouble? You're gonna get it!
You don't like jazz, pal?
Huh? He was comedian!
He don't care about nobody! Nobody, huh!
Hey, you fuck yourself!
Okay, pal? Okay, mister.
He was a comic.
Hold still, motherfucker!
Who are you?
Where's the money?
- Why you do this? - Shut the fuck up!
- I got it. - I am Russian.
- You ain't no fucking Russian. - I am Russian!
I am Russian!
I am Russ...
What was in the wallet besides money?
Some I.D., driver's license, social security.
Easy to replace. You want a doctor?
No.
You know, this is a goddamn insane country.
They were so young and their eyes were cold, like animals.
In Russia, I knew who the enemy was.
Here, it's too confusing.
You're overreacting.
I always heard the Russians overdid things.
Is this liberty? If it is, it's false. Where are the poets?
What do you want, a perfect place to live?
There's no such thing.
Even if they catch them, they go free.
They are juveniles. They do get away with a lot of crap.
- Can I help you, gentlemen? - Two coffees, please.
- Apple turnover. - Make it two.
What freedom? You can't walk the streets. Is that freedom?
You think you were better off in Russia?
Freedom for woman to spread her legs on magazine?
Hey, pal, you free?
Hey. Excuse us.
There's no freedom here. If there is, she's an orphan.
To tell you the truth, Orlando, New York frightens me.
It's brutal. It's crazy.
What are you staring at?
- Take it easy... - Don't tell me to take it easy!
No one tells me take it easy anymore.
What are you staring at?
What did he say?
He said he's looking at a giant asshole from Moscow.
What is he saying now?
He's from Leningrad, the giant asshole.
He's here seven years and loves it.
- What's going on? - He says, "Return to Moscow, turd."
Qué pasó, man?
He's telling me if I want law and order,
I should go back to Moscow, stand in line for bread.
- Stale bread. - Stale bread!
What the hell is that?
Firecrackers. Independence Day.
Hey...
I'm sorry.
Vladimir Ivanoff.
Sergei Golub. It's okay.
Independence Day.
You know, it's, um...
"When in the course of human events becomes necessary..."
What is it? I forgot.
"We hold these truths to be self-evident...
that all men are created equal.
That they are endowed by their creators...
With certain inalienable rights.
- These are... - Life.
Liberty.
Happiness.
Yeah, happiness.
Happiness.
Felicidad.
Oh, my God.
- Hello. - Huh?
Hey. What happened?
I got mugged.
What are you doing here?
You want me to go?
No. Is nice surprise.
I came over because I was going to leave the key.
Waiting for you, I fall asleep.
You don't look very nice.
Are you sure you're fine?
Hey, I'm strong like Russian bear.
How you been?
I been okay.
I've missed you very much.
Me too.
I'm not ready for marriage yet,
but I would love to live with an immigrant.
Come to me.
Beloved family,
I received the news of Grandfather's death.
Of course, I'm very sad,
but he lived life on his own terms even to the end.
I'm playing my dear saxophone again.
Yes. I finally got work as a musician.
My good friend, Lionel, returned from Alabama,
and he now has my old job.
In the daytime, I'm free to do whatever I please,
wherever I want to, as long as it is legal.
Hot dog, please.
Vladimir Ivanoff?
Boris?
Don't worry, my friend. I'm retired.
Yeah? What are you doing here?
Did you think I could go back to Moscow after what's happened?
Have you been well?
Yeah. It's a strange country, huh?
Oh, yes. Strange and wonderful.
Can I say thank you?
Sure.
Thank you.
- Wait. - Oh, put your money away.
Huh?
Good hot dog.
The best in New York.
See you.
Okay, mister.
This is a free country, welcome to almost anyone.
I hope someday you will join me here.
Of course, I will continue to write every week.
Yes. In America, anything is possible.
Good-bye for now, beloved family.
I love you. Volya.